On Falling In Love.

Brace up for this read, I’m about to flash back to flash forward!

The first time I fell in romantic love was as a 16-year-old teenager. There was this guy who was every girl’s major crush at the time – he was half Nigerian, half Dutch, with the most beautiful eyes and smile.  He was the guy that would show up at parties looking super preppy with his shirt fully buttoned to the top. He played football, and he was super intelligent. Basically, this guy was every teenager’s dream crush – especially if you were reading those teen vogue magazines with all the, “10 ways to know your crush likes you.” Growing up, I wasn’t into boys at all – I didn’t care much for their attention or interest. Most of the boys who liked me were immediately put into my “homie,” category. I noticed that I would get alot of attention from guys, and while it didn’t make me uncomfortable, it didn’t make me excited either. It was just what it was – attention.

So, when Dutch boy showed up at this birthday party, I did not actively notice him, until my friend said, “Adaora, he’s been staring at you since he walked in.” I looked up at the balcony, and truly he nodded and smiled. And I thought to myself, ‘Wow! Is Dutch boy really feeling me? We hung out together throughout this party and there was a connection.  We dated for about a year – it was all puppy love – letters and long phone calls, etc. And then one day he came over to visit and we kissed. It was the most awkward situation because our house-help kept walking in and out of the living room – I think she suspected that these teens were trying to do some hanky-panky stuff. Anyhooo.. our kiss was sloppy, and our teeth kept jamming. He was a good kisser, but I don’t think I can say the same for myself at that time. It was my first kiss, and the only boys I was crushing on were celebrities on posters on my room wall. So yeah, while my new guy was a hottie, I was underwhelmed by our kiss. But we dated anyway, and we never kissed after the first time. Lol. I later realized that I just really liked him as a friend, but that somewhere in my mind I didn’t think he’d want to just be friends. This is how Dutch boy turned into Dutch bro.

The second time I experienced romantic love, I was 20 years old when I met someone in university. They had a beautiful personality, similar interests, and shared values. Many people have bad experiences from their university dating days. But I was lucky. I dated this person for most of my university time, and it was a beautiful experience – shared moments, mutual sacrifice (in a good way), occasional fights, and many firsts. In fact, they taught me how to drive, and helped sort out my first car. Life happened, and everyone moved on.

The 3rd time I experienced romantic love, it was more of a series of incidents that seemed too connected to be coincidences. I think we read (or at least I read) too much meaning in those moments, and we connected on a romantic level. We built something on those experiences, and I can say that while I may have a few regrets, I don’t regret our relationship at all. It was a relationship that was beautiful when it was, and unfulfilling when it wasn’t. A relationship that should’ve been nurtured as a friendship, but that I have now come to understand was for a purpose beyond us and served that purpose.

Between relationship 2 and 3, there were one or two dating experiences (read as “wtf was that?!”) that I don’t count as relationships because I don’t know what the heck I was thinking. I think we’ve all been through that time period where we’re trying to figure out who and how we’re supposed to date. Mine was in my very early twenties, and I was trying to figure out WHY I needed to date someone. I was mostly disinterested to be honest, but somehow people were falling in love/lust with me and I responded. (Side, but important note: I once heard someone say, “Don’t date or show interest in someone simply because they show interest in you. Date someone that YOU are interested in.” It’s so simple, but deep). In my adult life, I appreciate the attention but I will not give attention unless it’s genuinely there). 

The 4th time I experienced deep romantic love was when I turned the big 3-0 (Thirty)! I fell in love with HER. She was drop dead gorgeous, with beautiful eyes, luscious skin, a mind-blowing smile, athletic build. She loved me for who I am – the good, and the not-so-great-but-growing. She showed up for me in my toughest moments. She celebrated with me in private and in public. She affirmed me in ways that I had only dreamed of. She would sit with me in my silent moments reassuring me that she’s with me. She loved my ambition, but she also loved it when I decided to do nothing. She would write about me and share with me these words of affirmation and love that flowed so effortlessly. She would pat me on the back whenever I got off stage during a speaking engagement. She would remind me that I was walking in the path that I dreamed off, and that even if things didn’t always seem that way, all I needed to do was to keep walking. She felt me, she saw me, she knew me, she loved me.

She would stand in the mirror with me and dance as if there were no worries in the world. She would sit with me in reflection of my life’s experiences, and we’d go through the different moments I’d been through. She would spend time with me with God, and we’d have conversations around faith. She would push me to keep visioning the life that we want, and to think about how we were going to manifest this life together. She would hold space for me, whenever I didn’t have the energy to communicate.

I remember when I decided to change my hair, she was super excited for it, and she asked me to do it! Her bravery, her boldness, her energy, was so beautiful and I fell in love with her day by day. Each week felt like a renewal of our love. The more we grew together, the more we found ourselves having to let go of the things that held us back from experiencing our best selves. And when the moments came for us to make decisions that allowed us to break free to experience the life that God truly wanted for us, she was there to hold me, to listen to me, to guide me, to pray for me, and to remind me that even as old things pass away, her love for me is unconditional and she will be here till infinity.

I’m 35 now, and she’s been the most consistent part of my life. She is ME. I don’t know why it took me so long to notice her, to prioritize her, to pour love into her, to nurture her, to fill her cup. But I’m glad that I finally stopped long enough to truly see her for who she is – the brightest light, the apple of God’s eyes, the love agent, the giver, the believer, the dreamer, the doer, the purpose driver, the dream interpreter, the Unicorn girl!

I hope that even as you pursue love externally, and search for deep connections with people – whether romantic or platonic, you remember that the best and deepest love that you need is within YOU. When you build and nurture your relationship with yourself, you will attract people who see that, and they will love you hard, even as you love them. Many people believe that love is all about sacrifice - giving. This was me too. Yes, you should give love, but you should allow yourself to receive love too. And the best way to practice receiving love, is to love yourself deeply. Don’t tell yourself that no one can ever love you like that…they can. They will. But don’t wait for others to love you in the way you want to receive - love YOU hard first, and then you can teach others how you want to be loved!!!

The next time I choose to share romantic love, it will be without the societal roles, and expectations. It will be a love that is built on God’s Love. A love that not only allows room for growth, but intentionally and actively creates that room. A love that is freeing. A love that doesn’t hold either of us in shackles but allows us to dream and fly…together…side by side. A love that isn’t incidental, but by choice. 

I wish you love!

xx

Adaora ‘Lumina’ Mbelu