Lessons From a Weekend of Intentional Parenting.

Yesterday, I watched my almost 7 year old son in deep conversation with a friend of mine, who is currently walking him through a growth area. I listened to my kid share his thoughts, and express parts of himself that he doesn’t necessarily share with me (and we share A LOT). I watched how he listened to his Uncle Ladi about certain things that he doesn’t respond to me on. I noticed how he worked on keeping eye contact as he spoke. I was a fly on the wall in their conversation, and in that moment I immersed myself in the moment, listening to both parties and observing their interaction with each other. Here are a few things I’d like to share from this experience: 

1. Your child was born through you, but your child is not yours and not you: As a parent, it’s very easy to want your child to share the same ideologies, thoughts, personality, and wants, as you. It’s also very easy to blame yourself when they’re not being who you’ve visualized them to be. I remember the first time my son told me that he didn’t want to play piano - I was super sad. I started playing piano when I was 6 years old, and my parents took it rather seriously. My kid, on the other hand, doesn't care for it. I still plan to try to get him to engage at some point. He loves music, but he’d rather spend time drumming or playing on the GarageBand app. I realize that he doesn’t care for many things that I’d hoped he’d care about. He’s got his own interests, and that’s okay. The key for me is that he understands and shares similar values, and that he also forms his own values, which I can help shape. 

2. Keep exposing yourself to other world-views - expand your knowledge, and experience: One of the things I’m actively doing with my son is to expose him to a few of my friends who I believe that he can learn from. He has interactions with them via email, in-person, or on the phone, and in turn, he can be exposed outside of my world. My world is quite expansive, but why should I limit him to it? If he can learn and experience positive growth through others, he absolutely should. I want him to speak to these aunties and uncles, interact, listen, learn, ask questions, and grow. Peer-to-peer interaction is important, but there’s also a lot of power in exposing kids to trusted adults that can show them a world outside of ours. 

3. Never believe that your kid can’t change at this particular time: If your kid has a particular habit or behavior that is tough for you to manage, it’s very easy to believe that they can’t change at this particular time, or that it’s normal behavior for their age - and yes, sometimes it is normal behavior - certain age groups go through changes that are part of their developmental and evolution process. However, I think that beyond trying to deal with it as parents, it can be helpful to get a trusted person to deal with it. Last week in a meeting with my son’s teacher, she talked about how he’s doing great academically, and how much his classmates love him, and how kind he is. Of course, this is what every parent wants to hear - the good stuff. I took the positive commendation, but also told her about some things I’d love for her to look out for and work with him on. I am working on aligning the people in his environment with his growth areas. It’s not enough to navigate things with his parents…if everyone who interacts with him at this stage in his life is on the same page, then it becomes easier to reinforce certain things, break bad habits/patterns, and ultimately set him up for success. This is something that I’m learning, and working on with him. 

These lessons above apply to every single one of us - parents or not. Get out of your comfort zone - expose yourself to other views, ideas, and learnings. Be intentional about choosing people, and places within your environment that are aligned with the type of growth that you want to experience. You cannot become better, if you stay surrounded by things that remind you of, and reinforce your old self. 

xx

Love, 

Adaora ‘Lumina’ Mbelu